Macon

When you hear the word negotiation, what enters your mind? A buyer or seller haggling over the price of a product? A hostage held at gunpoint? Two large organizations putting together a merger? Getting your teenager to clean his room? Deciding where to go for dinner with your partner? All of these are great examples of negotiating and clearly illustrate that everyone negotiates.

First though imagine two people engaged in a tug of war. If they are equally strong, then neither of them will move as they pull against one another and both of them will grow very tired! Getting into a power struggle uses up a lot of energy and generally does not go anywhere.

Conflicts come in all forms and levels of intensity. Some are the result of misunderstandings between friends, and they can be resolved with a simple apology. Other conflicts aren't so easy to resolve. They are emotionally intense and often come about over time. The parties then have to decide if the friendship, partnership, marriage or whatever relationship is worth repairing. Notice I said "parties" in the plural. It takes two to tango, and it takes at least two to negotiate. That's because communication forms the core of any negotiation. One no longer needs to have the best or last answer. Expanding one's understanding becomes more important than being right or getting one's point across.

The first and most difficult task of a dialogue involves parking the ego and listening with an open spirit. From this receptivity can come questions which lead to understanding. Negotiating fairly builds trust. And, you set the standard for future conversations. Demonstrations of power erode it. Remember, you teach people how to treat you in two ways: you know, set and enforce your boundaries, and, you demonstrate your values in the ways you treat others.

Here are fundamentals points to remember before you begin a dialogue.

* Do not make the other person wrong

Avoid direct or implied criticism of the other person's thoughts, feelings or beliefs, and you are likely to retain the trust and goodwill of those around you. An easy way to accomplish this is to not focus on or form expectations of other people's behavior before meeting with them face to face. It seemed to reduce the tendency to overreact in the heat of the moment.

* Think in terms of " I " messages

An I-message expresses your feelings and experiences without making the other person responsible for them. An I-message is honest and genuine. It doesn't judge, blame or interrupt. It never tells the other person what he should think or feel. Successful use of I-messages requires that you know exactly what you want and need, take personal responsibility for meeting your preferences, express yourself to the person whose cooperation you need, and be willing to listen if the other person becomes defensive.

* Express yourself with empathy

If I am working on a project together with a collegue/friend and we reach a point at which we need to negotiate about putting extra hours in on the project, I might say: "We both have so many responsibilities. I know it must be hard for you to imagine finding the needed time and /or energy with children as young as yours."

The above statement represents my putting myself in the other person's shoes. He or she will feel more understood when I am empathic with his/her situation The chances are higher that we will come to an agreement about how to manage the extra work when empathy is expressed between us.

Empathy implies connection. When each of us is thinking about how the other feels, we are connecting to the other person and his/her life situation.

* Look for areas of agreement

We go farther in negotiation when we can determine what we agree on rather than get stuck in our disagreements. One way to discover areas of agreement is to listen well to the other person. Another way to find areas of agreement is to ask defining questions: "So do you agree with me that there is so much work here that we will have to find a way to get it all done by our due date?"

Every time you find an area of agreement, an added bonus happens. The other person feels more connected to you and then is more willing to work with you!

* Stay open to options for mutual gain

If you can see the other person as a resource and see ways that you can each help the other get to his/her goals, then you have the beginning of a good team. You begin the process of determining mutual gain the minute this type of negotiation begins.

Brainstorming is the key to finding as many possible options for solving a problem. In brainstorming, each of you throws out ideas. Some may work and some may not be possible. The very act of brainstorming says that there are many options.

Once options are suggested, then the task is to sort out what options will lead to mutual gain. If you can join each other in this decision, then the negotiation has become a Win/Win situation and everyone goes away feeling good.

Leo Lionni wrote a children's book called 'Little Blue and Little Yellow.' The book is the story of two colors, Little Blue and Little Yellow. When they each come out to play together, they discover that they play best when they are connected. In the joining they are no longer Little Blue and Little Yellow. Instead, their connected part, the part where they are mutually blended is a whole new color: Green!

* Be Assertive

You also must be able to make up your own mind, as opposed to believing everything you are told. On a practical level, this means you have the right to question the asking price of that new car. It also means you have an obligation to question everything you read in the newspaper or hear on CNN. You cannot negotiate unless you are willing to challenge the validity of the opposing position.

Being assertive means asking for what you want and refusing to take "no" for an answer. Practice expressing your feelings without anxiety or anger. Let people know what you want in a non-threatening way. Practice using "I" statements mentioned earlier. . For example, instead of saying, "You shouldn't do that," try substituting, "I don't feel comfortable when you do that."

Note that there is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. You are assertive when you take care of your own interests while maintaining respect for the interests of others. When you see to your own interests with a lack of regard for other people's interests, you are aggressive. Being assertive is part of negotiation consciousness.

* Become a good listener

Be a detective. Ask probing questions and then shut up. Your questions will help the other person(s) open their mind. Questions involve people. They allow people to think about their lives, themselves and their problems. The other person(s) will tell you everything you need to know -- all you have to do is listen. Many conflicts can be resolved easily if we learn how to listen. The catch is that listening is the forgotten art. We are so busy making sure that people hear what we have to say that we forget to listen. You don't have to think about what you're going to ask next, because what you're going to ask is found in the answers you get to your previous questions!

You can become an effective listener by allowing the other person to do most of the talking. Follow the 70/30 Rule -- listen 70% of the time, and talk only 30% of the time. Encourage the other person to talk by asking lots of open-ended questions -- questions that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no."

* Be prepared

The Boy/Girl Scouts were right. Gather as much pertinent information prior to the negotiation. What are their needs? What pressures do they feel? What options do they have? Doing your homework is vital to successful negotiation.

* Aim high

People who aim higher do better. If you expect more, you'll get more. Successful negotiators are optimists. A proven strategy for achieving higher results is opening with an extreme position. Sellers should ask for more than they expect to receive, and buyers should offer less than they are prepared to pay.

* Be patient

This is very difficult for Americans. We want to get it over with. Whoever is more flexible about time has the advantage.

* Focus on satisfaction

Help the other negotiator feel satisfied. Satisfaction means that their basic interests have been fulfilled. Don't confuse basic interests with positions: Their position is what they say they want; their basic interest is what they really need to get.

* Don't make the first move

The best way to find out what the other persons aspirations are is to induce them to open first.

* Expect unilateral concessions

Whenever you give something away, get something in return. Always tie a string: "I'll do this if you do that." Otherwise you are inviting the prospect to give more than you receive.

* Never negotiate without options

If you depend too much on the positive outcome of a negotiation, you lose your ability to say "no.": "Always be willing to walk away."

* It Does Not Hurt To Ask

It does not hurt to ask for something. The worst that can happen is that the other party says no. This is true in any kind of negotiation especially in dealing with a boss. Ask for that raise or promotion. Even if you don't get it, your boss may admire your pluck and keep you in mind for future promotions. If there is something very important to you, it is good to get it out on the table. However do your research and be prepared to defend what it is you want and why you should get it. Don't think that if you deserve a raise or promotion you will get it without initiating the conversation. In a job offer, try asking for more money and see what happens. If you have a bad customer experience at a hotel, ask for something like an upgrade or a free night. The results may surprise you.

If you ask for something you really want and it is denied, don't take no for an answer.

Try to find out why they are saying "no". There is always a new way to look at every situation. Try to think of a different way to convince the other side to give you want you want. Go back to the drawing board and try to ask for what you want in a different way. Even a minor change, an adjustment, or rephrasing might make it more palatable. If this is an important issue, suggest a trade-off or package deal, so the other side might be motivated by getting something they want.

* Look the Part

You are the one who should set the tone of the negotiation. When you come into the room for the first time, you should look the part. Project the image that you want. You might want to try it in the mirror a few times. You want to give good eye contact and be a good listener. You want to seem knowledgeable about the issues or issues to be discussed. Think of the expression, "Fake it till you make it." Being a good negotiator is like being a good actor. Remember to play your part and look the part.

* Check your emotions at the door

Emotions such as anger can make one lose control. If you are nervous, upset or unsure of yourself, you need to focus on what you hope to accomplish and tell yourself that nothing is going to stand in the way of your goal. If the other side sees weakness, they may try to bait you (this may happen from either their unconscious or conscious level), so don't get caught up in their attempt to mind play. And if perhaps it starts to remember "it takes two to tango". When upset with the other side, instead of getting angry, try speaking more softly and more slowly to get your message across. Don't let your emotions interfere with the negotiation and never let them see you sweat!

* Think like a dolphin

The dolphin is the only mammal who can swim in a sea of sharks or in a sea of carp. Dolphins are able to adapt their strategies and behaviors to their counterparts. Remember, even when negotiating with a shark, you have an option--you can walk away!

* Be honest and fair

In life, what goes around comes around. The goal in creating win/win outcomes is to have both counterparts feel that their needs and goals have been met, so that they will be willing to come back to the table and negotiate again. An atmosphere of trust reduces the time required to create win/win outcomes.

Negotiation is based in abundance thinking: It is the belief that if we truly understand the problem, the perfect solution will present itself. When you truly believe it's possible for everyone to be satisfied - no compromise necessary - you'll have the confidence to stick with the process until it works. Try it and watch your life and all your relationships change into something special and unique!

Mary Kay's desire is that people discover how to create (and then live) a life they truly love. She is available for private consultations and speaking engagements. Be sure to visit her website and sign up for her *FREE* Monthly Newsletter, which is filled with inspirational, motivational and helpful information. Dare to be Different. Dare to be YOU! If you want Mary Kay to speak at an event in your area or you want to contact her: call 702-239-5451 or e-mail marykay@sfgtd.com

SES San Jose, 2006

Attending morning SES (Search Engine Strategies) sessions after a 4am wake-up, airport crowds, public transit shuffles and schlepping luggage all morning - I was a bit cranky by the time I finally arrived at the San Jose Convention Center for morning sessions. So please forgive my mood here, but the "Leveraging Social Search" session seemed a bit lightweight and without any solid suggestions for attendees.

First speaker Gary Stein, Director of Strategy, Ammo Marketing, mentioned the famous "Jib Jab" videos as viral social content and skimmed over stats from a PEW Internet study on why people say they blog. Top reasons many people do it for "Creative Expression" most do it for documenting experience. The third most popular reason was to share knowledge and experience.

That third ranked reason seems the best reason for marketers, the easiest to exploit for commercial reasons and the most likely to lead to valuable, lasting and worthwhile (marketable) content. Stein's role is that of a "Word of Mouth" or "WOM" marketer, so one can see why Jib Jab and positive blogger endorsements are near and dear to his heart.

Reputation management and true Word of Mouth (WOM) can span a very wide chasm between start-ups and potential success for the lucky product marketer - but there are also bad boys out there badmouthing vulnerable companies and products to extort "protection money" from nervous early stage companies. Many SEO's have been approached by anxious company reps seeking a way to overcome bad (high ranking) blog and forum posts for their company name or product trademark.

But the difference between suggesting that businesses go out and gain all those positive blog comments and actually getting those endorsements from bloggers in your marketing space are two very different things. All marketers would dearly love some clear and direct methods of gaining those social kudos online short of "Astro Turfing". (Supposed grass root marketing planted by WOM marketers.)

Next up on the panel was Scott Meyer, President and CEO, About.com,who made a quick intro to his portion of this panel by offering 4 key (power) points.

1. Success in social media equals Engagement plus authenticity times Target Audience Reach
2. Look for the Riches in the niches Social media takes many forms
3. Learn but don't be intimidated.
4. Cede only as much control as you are comfortable with. (Protect your brand)

While he suggested that those points were the critical take-aways of his presentation, he did expand on them. He classified About.com content as "mundane and not sexy" and emphasized it was editorially controlled, and thus not true social content. (I'll agree to the mundane label and add somewhat shallow as my own editorial comment on About.com) Meyer emphasized several advertiser tie-ins to About.com content and pointed out the recent NBC Torino Winter Olympics 2006 event coverage by About.com guide James Martin.

The social media label has been applied widely in this new space and more forms of that amorphous category are emerging every day. One of those emerging is the new "Plum" where entrepreneur Hans Peter Brondmo is doing something that might be called a variation of del.icio.us or maybe Squidoo.com where people "collect" stuff and tag it. The site is not officially launched as yet, but descriptions on the "learn more" page of the site suggest it will share aspects of both of those, plus a few more.

Brondmo outlined social content creation with a reference to a variant of the famed 80/20 rule where 80% of content is created by 20% of users.

An aside here: I love that the top search result for the 80/20 rule or "Pareto Principle" is About.com, since we just heard from the top man at About.com, I classified it myself as "shallow" and it turned up while researching "Social Media" in a story on search engine strategies. Rich.

He suggests a variation on that at 90:10:1 meaning that 1% of people contribute content 10% participate in the dialogue (comment or discuss), while 90% are consumers only - suggesting what he called "Info-Voyeurism" when he said, "We like to watch." Brondmo suggests that "open Source Marketing" asks the question "Can you control a mob?" and proposed an answer of sorts by suggesting that you do that through "Trust" in a community or system.

Wrapping up presentations was Brian Monahan, VP, ITG Emerging Media Lab - Director of "user gnerated content practice" with what he referred to as the self expression of "Me" media. Monahan showed some free form video clips solicited from several video bloggers which were done in response to a questionaire provided to them.

Those video clips elicited several smart (and funny) remarks from the video bloggers in response to the questions presented to them. Monahan suggested that those respondents or content "Generators." He said study suggests that they were highly opinionated, crave recognition, were "class clowns," sarcastic & reactive rather than original. Not much input beyond that of "I like it or not".

The conclusions drawn by each of the speakers appear to be that user generated content and social media are powerful beyond belief and that it is changing marketing in ways we have yet to fully grasp. Attendees looking for ways to successfully fulfill the session title (Leveraging Social Media) certainly went away frustrated that they were given no help find a way to exploit social media and leverage it to advantage, because they were not provided any true suggestions short of using the companies represented on the panel in one way or another to advertise or market.

I'd say that they have failed to leverage this SES reporter's opinion.

Mike Banks Valentine operates SEOptimism, Offering SEO training of in-house content managers at:

http://seoptimism.com/SEO_Staff_Training.htm

Contract SEO for advertising agencies, web development companies and marketing firms.

http://seoptimism.com/Ad_Agency_SEO_Contracting.htm

Content aggregation, article and press release optimization, distribution for linking campaigns.

http://seoptimism.com/Linking_SEO.htm

Boyhood sexuality focuses on a sexually immature or inexperienced male.

The period between boyhood and manhood is an integral part of a mans growth where every influence plays a role in the shaping of a males attitude towards sex.

Nowadays, boys are no longer sneaking their fathers Playboys under the bed for a midnight rendezvous with Miss January.

Young males do not have to explore their boyhood sexuality in secret or look hard for the answers to some of their many questions. The answers or what they believe to be the answers to these boyhood sexuality inquiries are available within the variety of media outlets of today.

Television

Not only does the television feature R-rated cable movies and racy primetime TV. dramas, but you can also view the latest scantily dressed Victoria Secret models walk across your television screen at any time of the day.

Films

The films of today also answer some of the boyhood sexuality questions that a teenager may have because a lot more wide-ranging content can go into a PG-13-rated movie than 10-20 years ago.

Magazines

Other resources that young males draw from when exploring their boyhood sexuality include popular magazines, as well as music and music videos, where the relationship between man and woman can appear somewhat blurred.

Boyhood sexuality deals with the sexual behaviour, attitudes, and activity among young males. When a boy is interested in exploring his sexuality, there are legal, political and societal limits that he faces.

The topic of sexuality pertaining to any child is a touchy subject, bordering on illegal.

Some believe that exploring boyhood sexuality is normal and healthy, but also subject to interpretation, within the constraints created by society and the law.

When a young male is exploring his sexuality during boyhood, he may engage in a variety of sexual activities, including the fondling of his own genitals.

Attempts at Intercourse

When he encounters a young female, he may try to engage in sexual activities with her, including hugging, kissing, as well as the fondling of her genitals. This exploration may or may not lead to early attempts at intercourse.

Not all boyhood sexuality exploration will lead to early sex. It all depends on the childs environment, as well as the information he encounters.

Misinformation and peer pressure are some of the factors that may ease a curious boy into something closer to a man (in the physical sense).

Boyhood sexuality is noticeable as young as at the age of two, when children discover the pleasure in touching their own genitals. Between the ages of 2-5, a child may experience arousal, sexual curiosity, as well as masturbation. Young children have been known to engage in sex play that goes beyond the age-old Playing Doctor game in elementary school.

It has been reported that children as young as 5 years old have attempted sexual intercourse, if they have learned of this action from others, such as their parents or television.

When a male reaches the ages between 6-9, he will find that his boyhood sexuality has increased where sexual terms and jokes may be repeated. A boys interest in pornography may be developed.

The questions regarding boyhood sexuality will increase, prompting a possible birds and the bees talk from parents.

Puberty

When a boy reaches the age of 10, nearing puberty, he may share questions and conversations with his peers regarding sex. Individuals in this age bracket may engage in kissing games, touching and fondling.

The increase in boyhood sexuality exploration continues as each year passes, displaying an increasing level of intensity as the boy begins to experience the changes throughout his adolescent life and body.

More sexuality information and FREE exclusive diet and health magazines, are available on our web site: http://www.net-planet.org

One of the most common questions I get from women who are newly diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome is Will I ever get pregnant? I have not been able to find specific studies regarding fertility and PCOS-likely because it is so hard to track those who are successful in getting pregnant without medical intervention. One source said that women with PCOS have an 80-90 percent chance of having a baby, but I was unable to find any research studies to back this up. While some women with polycystic ovarian syndrome will not be able to get pregnant, I believe that the majority can and do eventually have healthy babies.

First, 5-10% of women of childbearing age have PCOS. If their symptoms are mild they are often undiagnosed. If they have even one child, many physicians will say they can not have PCOS. This is ridiculous if you look at the diagnostic criteria. The most common criteria for diagnosis include a failure to ovulate regularly. However, for many women this means they have long cycles (35 days or longer in many cases) but they DO ovulate.

Some women with PCOS have unhealthy eggs because their periods are too far apart, in many cases this is correctable with herbs, diet or drugs. Many women with PCOS also have a thyroid condition. Frequently, if this is treated they begin to ovulate. Many women with PCOS have frequent miscarriages, but they eventually have a healthy babyoften with the help of progesterone cream or suppositories. Some women find that losing weight, taking vitex or other herbs, or reducing stress cause them to begin ovulating (for me it was all three!). Some learn to detect ovulation through cervical mucus and basal body temperatures (BBT or temperature charting). Again, these women often have healthy babies without medical intervention.

It is hard to know how many women with PCOS become pregnant without help since many women are first diagnosed with PCOS because they are having trouble getting pregnant. Often metformin or other insulin-sensitizing drugs work wonders and they are able to get pregnant and carry a baby to term.

The fact is, only a small percentage of women with PCOS ever make it to the stage of trying fertility drugs. Clomid (clomiphene citrate) is often the first drug of choice since it is cheap and easy to take. I did find studies indicating that Clomid alone works for 70% of women with PCOS. Other women find that they need Clomid and metformin or stronger fertility drugs. The success rate tends to drop a bit as time passes and stronger methods are tried, but the bottom line is that most women who have PCOS and want children have them.

Even for those who are told they will never succeed at getting and staying pregnant, there is much reason to hope. Several close friends of mine have surprised themselves and their doctors by getting pregnant after years of infertility. Lisa adopted three children and then found herself pregnant in her late 30s. It seems that for many women their PCOS symptoms mellow out as they get older. Anne went to the doctor to find out why she was infertile after several years of marriageshe was 3 already months pregnant and boy number two followed just 15 months later. Susan had three miscarriages and was told she would never carry a baby to term. Four months later she was pregnant with her daughter and her son is two years younger. Barb got pregnant when she was not even thinking of fertility and now counts herself extremely blessed to have two healthy boys.

I know many women who have done everything possible to get pregnant, even IVF, and have not succeeded. But the majority of women with PCOS DO get pregnant. There is even more reason to hope for the young women who are just now learning they have PCOS. First, they are more likely to be diagnosed at all. This means many women will be diagnosed who would have been overlooked ten or fifteen years ago when my generation was first beginning the march from doctor to doctor looking for answers. We know so much more than we did then. Treatments, both natural and medical, are much, much better than ever. In addition, being diagnosed now means they have the chance to prevent much of the physical and emotional trauma older women have experienced because our doctors just didnt know how to help us.

My advice to any particular woman is to do all you can to increase your fertility (see my other articles and my books for more information about this). Then do your best to relax and let your body work. The odds are with you in the long run.

Julie Renee Callaway is a life coach specializing in helping women cope with PCOS, infertility and other health issues. You can get a free newsletter about PCOS at http://www.pcoscoach.com